Oscar Time!

“I don’t know what you heard about me…”

Like an inanimate Emma Stone awakening and going hog wild in a candy-colored fever dream, it never ceases to amaze me how the year of film takes form and dazzles in unpredictable ways. As another Oscar season passes, this is as true as ever and was acutely felt by yours truly upon a recent viewing of Anatomy of a Fall, in which it was hard to hold back tears for a sheer appreciation of the all-around craft mustered in said knockout effort. Among the many remarkable things of Justine Triet’s film is the simplicity to her approach: letting a talented, more than game group of actors go to work on a winding labyrinth of a challenging, thought-provoking script and letting their presences do the work and win the day, no gimmicks need apply here (unless you count those fantastic robes they had to wear in court) and about as mercifully far of a cry from the brain-crushing CGI of Ant-man and the Wasp: Quantumania as you can get. That being said, I’m still game for a few gimmicks myself, especially when it comes to my Oscar preview column. Like a great man once said, “these go to 11,” and so does my preview, now 11 years strong and counting! So on with the picks (and if you missed earlier installments of my extended preview, check out my true Best Picture picks and Robert Downey Jr. profile, or here if you’re feeling nostalgic).

Best animal performance: “Don’t call me Lionel” Messi as Snoop in Anatomy of a Fall. Give me a good arctic husky any day of the week and I’ll give you a cheeseburger tomorrow. Honorable mention to all the poor horses that died in Napoleon.

Best no fucks to give press tour: Dakota Johnson for her Madame Web experience. What a woman.

Nominees for the Nicolas Cage award for Actor Best Expressing the Qualities of Nouveau Shamanic: Nicolas Cage (Dream Scenario), Joaquin Phoenix (Napoleon), Jaime Vadell (El Conde), Koji Yakusho (Perfect Days) (not really but let’s give the man some love!), everyone in Godzilla: Minus One (which also recently won the Best Picture in Japan so who cares about the Oscars now!?), especially the wild-haired scientist guy who I imagine is still concocting a gonzo kill Godzilla plan in a cramped Tokyo apartment with newspaper clippings of the great monster as wallpaper, Natalie Portman (May December), and…Nicolas Cage (Renfield).

Winner for the Nicolas Cage award for actor best expressing the qualities of Nouveau Shamanic: Oppenheimer. Wait, I mean Natalas Portmancage. No I mean, Natalie- on second thought Nicol- ohh why is this so hard?!

Best name of a person I am now super interested in and rooting for, but whose situation eerily reminds me of Navalny and makes me nervous: Bobi Wine (who is the subject of the Oscar-nominated documentary: Bobi Wine: The People’s President chronicling the life and struggle of Wine, a pop star turned opposition candidate to Ugandan president Yoweri Museveni, who has been in power for over 36 years).

Best animated short film: War is Over! Inspired by the Music of John and Yoko Ono. Always worth believing.

Best holy shit I forgot how good Natalie Portman is at acting performance: Oppen- hey get outta here Christopher Nolan stop being so greedy! I mean, Natalie Portman (May December).

Best Oscar chances tradeoff: Wes Anderson’s delightful little nomination in the Best Live Action short film category for The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar, instead of his feature-length gem, Asteroid City (also noteworthy for Best Actor nominee Jeffrey Wright’s (for American Fiction) exquisite monologue). Of all the Oscars he could win how fitting that his possible first win could be for this cute little award (“Years later the well-dressed gentleman sips the last of his vintage Chenin Blanc and pauses for a moment to hear the soft clink of the empty glass on the polished oak table of the near empty establishment buried somewhat anonymously in a back alley off the Rue de Vaugirard, as fellow denizens of the 6th arrondissement plant soft kisses on their lonesomes and drift off with the crystalline flecks of condensed water vapor dusting the night like a dormant Epiphany cake about to be conceived in the mind of an elderly woman who remembered when she first encountered the aroma on a lost afternoon in the Luxembourg garden with her parents. For the keen observer of the moment, however, a gold glint shined from a dusty cabinet in the corner, and the man smiled. It had been a while since he thought of the night he won that statue and all the improbable twists that led to it…).

Best underrated nominated performance: It’s hard to say any nominated performance is underrated (although I did last year), but maybe we can give a little love to Bradley Cooper? I had some qualms with Maestro but thought he created a unique, memorable character in his Leonard Bernstein, and made him a flawed yet empathetic person. For all the talk of the nose, it is the voice that pulls you in, a melodic instrument that would fit in the conductor’s orchestra (take all the time you need on the Resurrection scene Bradley!).

Best Best Stone Cold Good Actress Battle: Oppenhe- Now wait a second! It always amuses me to hear of these “battles” occurring, as if Emma Stone and Lily Gladstone are duking it out in an octagon cage or jousting in the battlefield as their armies fight for glory in far off windswept fields as they await Oscar Sunday. But if they are, maybe they should watch outfor the Sandra Huller forces, invading from across the sea in viking longships made from the wood of her house in Anatomy of a Fall and the spare canoe from the set of The Zone of Interest. Meanwhile, Carey Mulligan is calling a do over on this year’s contest (although I for one (editor’s note: along with everyone who nominated her) haven’t forgotten her steely yet tender turn in Maestro and now seemingly routine brilliance), Annette Bening is swimming somewhere (she really should have already won for 20th Century Women or American Beauty), and Frances McDormand is still howling like that beautiful crazy wolf she is. But STAY TUNED, lest they sneak past the Stone guard and into Oscar glory.

Best future most casual high profile Oscar winner: Strikingly handsome man Cillian Murphy may seem an odd choice here, but I could see him walking around the Irish countryside in a few years, stopping by a stone wall to munch on a scone, and maybe going into a pub for a Guinness and a nice warm spot to read by the fire. Maybe you go into the pub yourself and spot him in the corner. “Isn’t that Cillian something?” you say to your friend. “Yeah I think so. Good actor. Nice fellow too.”

Best upset possibility: Robbie Robertson for his score for Killers of the Flower Moon. Gosh I’m not sure anything would be cooler than seeing Robertson get a posthumous dub for his work on Scorsese’s late career masterpiece…I don’t get why Killers has such low odds for a Best Picture win, as it is at once the most gorgeous looking, immersive and yet acutely dark and depressing movie I have seen in years and a titanic capstone to a legendary career to boot (it’s also a longshot in Production Design and Costume even though they took the time to work with members of the Osage to meticulously create the look and feel of 1920s Fairfax, Oklahoma). Not to mention those performances (if you must talk about snubs, perhaps no one this year was more wronged than Leonardo DiCaprio — I know, we all feel REAL sorry for you Leo — but I don’t think he’s ever been better).

Best hypothetical music number: Jon Batiste playing the P.I.M.P. medley from Anatomy of a Fall as Billie Eilish croons, a score of Ryan Gosling and Margot Robbie lookalikes dance, and Lady Gaga descends from the ceiling in the arms of her once and future lover Bradley Cooper and Hayao Miyazaki and a giant heron muttering casually poignant Greta Gerwig-penned mumblecore as voiced by Robert Pattinson blares out into the Dolby Theater to a host of stunned sexy people in Dolce Gabana and Bjorkian-inspired garb.

Best why do these races have to be foregone conclusions and why is this one better than the other one: Jeffrey Wright’s turn in American Fiction. Maybe playing a scientist for three hours is hard, but try playing a writer, Cillian! And bonus points for ye olde character within a character play (the supporting cast here was fire too: Sterling K. Brown in a performance that veers off in a few different directions and whose emotional impact sneaks up on you, a heartfelt Erika Alexander, Issa Rae in the complex act of embodying Monk’s central literary conundrum while also coming across as a down to earth person with legitimate qualms of her own about a broken system, and…is that Adam Brody cranking up the schmoozy charm to 11? You could say something good about everyone here, what an effort. I hope Cord Jefferson gets the win for his screenplay, adapted from Percival Everett’s novel Erasure).

Best way to watch the Christopher Nolan ouevre?: Well I haven’t yet, but a Memento-like backwards viewing marathon sounds appealing.

Best Nolan film ever?: Inception or The Dark Knight depending on the day of the week for me and I don’t want to hear otherwise. Whatever your favorite, I’m glad that he seems about to get his due. Long a favorite on ye olde PSH for President, I wasn’t sure if the great Christopher Nolan would ever get to the podium, but here is, standing on the bow of his Titanic and embracing the warm air of the open seas. Will the winds of fate carry his Oppen-powered little ship through the English channel a la Dunkirk? Or will his fleet sink in The Zone of Interest, and be fated to a fisheye lens view of Poor Things?

Best international film?: Society of the Snow, Anatomy of a Fall, or Perfect Days would be fine winners (thought The Zone of Interest was more style over substance but maybe that will change upon rewatch (watch for it in the Best Sound category though)). And so are we, for getting to the movies, engaging in rich cinematic discussion, and celebrating another glorious Oscar Sunday. Enjoy the show, beautiful people, and thank you to the Academy, my family, my friends, lovers, agent, publicist, publicist’s manager, doctor, trusted colleague, person I worked with on that thing that one time, that actress on the red carpet who once said she liked to have a pizza and watch the show, my plants, myself, Oppenheimer, OppYOUheimer, Oppenfuhgedddaboutit, oh and Nicolas Cage, may we forever bow at his altar and drink wine from a gilded skull-shaped chalice…